Flaring

I've been "finishing" this novel for four years. Four years. And what do I do instead of writing the actual ending? I rewrite the opening chapter. Again. Like it's somehow the problem, like if I just get those first three pages perfect enough the rest will magically materialize. I know I'm doing it. I can see myself doing it.

So I went to CVS yesterday to pick up my kid's amoxicillin and also grab some Advil because my shoulder has been absolutely killing me, and apparently the pharmacy was understaffed or whatever because there were like eight people ahead of me and the one pharmacist just kept saying "fifteen minutes" every time someone asked.

my pharmacy says my insurance doesnt cover my meds until i hit my deductible. my deductible is $8k. i need my antidepressants now, not in eight months.

I'm four years into this novel and I keep rewriting the opening chapter. Like, I'll finish a scene and think "no wait, the voice is wrong" or "that metaphor doesn't land" and then suddenly I'm back at page one with a red pen. I know what I'm doing. I can see myself doing it.

dude the MTA fare hike hit different when youre busking. same corner, same hours, somehow broke-r. *hit adds up fast.

My cousin asked me to help pay for her textbooks this semester. Didnt realize it was $890. Who knew books cost that much.

sat in the waiting room for 2 hours. the vending machine only had salt & vinegar chips and some drink from 2019. the daytime tv was playing the same commercial every 4 minutes. i just... why

My dentist's office charges $85 for a "consultation" that's literally just them looking in my mouth for four minutes. I could get a full cleaning elsewhere for that price.

I announce flight delays I didn't cause and people act like I personally delayed their plane. I get it, they're mad. But I'm also mad.

my brother in law insisted on "helping" assemble the ikea bookshelf. we're on hour three and theres one screw left over. he wont admit he *ucked up the instructions.

got doored by a parked car on my commute this morning. driver didnt even look. my shoulder's *ucked and my bike frame bent. nobody gives a damn about bike lanes apparently.

been on calls with teams across three time zones for six months. my sleep schedule is just gone. its either 6am or 10pm and i cant remember which timezone im supposed to care about anymore.

I've been staring at the same spreadsheet for forty minutes because someone three desks over won't stop taking client calls on speaker. i can hear their whole day. send help.

My sister keeps "helping" me prep my preserves for the county fair. She changes my recipes. Then acts confused when I'm upset.

I'm always the one booking the restaurant for family dinner and somehow I'm also the one who ends up paying when half of them "forgot their wallet" and another thing I literally cannot afford this anymore because nobody else seems to give a shit about splitting costs fairly and I'm just done, I'm so *amn done pretending this is

noticing whos actually in my close friends list now. some people never engage w anything i post there but theyre always viewing my stories. weird.

im booking a trip for 8 people and not a single one has paid me yet. i have a spreadsheet now. a *amn spreadsheet.

just did the math. eight hour time difference means i'm either up at 4am or working til 11pm every *amn day. my circadian rhythm is just gone. coffee isnt even working anymore.

my upstairs neighbor does jumping jacks at 3am and i can hear every single one. thump thump thump. like clockwork. im losing it.

Drove 90 minutes out for clear skies tonight. Clouds rolled in at 9pm. Every single time I do this. What is the universe's deal.

i got promoted to manage my old team and now theyre treating me like im the problem. maybe i am? dont know what im doing half the time honestly.

my partner keeps stashing their half-finished projects in my workshop and i genuinely cannot find my own stuff anymore. its like living in someone elses garage.

I got promoted to manage my old team and now nobody tells me anything. They just... do their thing. I think I'm doing something wrong but I'm afraid to ask.

*amn it, they raised the rent again and I can't even afford a kebab from the corner store. The building management are a bunch of parasites.

I somehow became the person who books everything for every family thing and nobody helps and I'm so tired of calling Marriott three times because nobody remembers their own preferences, and my mom won't decide on dates, and my brother won't RSVP, and I'm just supposed to hold this together like I have nothing else going on and

got paged at 3am for a "critical alert" from our monitoring system. it was a warning about disk space on a dev server. a dev server. could've literally waited 6 hours.

drove two hours out for clear skies. checked the weather app three times. clouds rolled in anyway. why do i even bother.

refolded the same table of shirts like five times today because people just cant put them back how they found them. im done.

microwave still shows old time. its been three days. i check it seventeen times a day like an idiot. work from home is *ell.

been on calls til midnight for three weeks straight and my stomach wont stop hurting. pretty sure its just stress but i cant get a *amn appointment til next month lol.

headset keeps cutting out during rush and i'm the only one on drive thru. literally cannot hear orders. this job doesnt pay enough for this *hit.

hour three of ikea furniture and theres a leftover screw. where the *ell does it go. my friends were no help whatsoever

I've been trying to get an appointment with HR for two weeks and the line is always busy. When I try to access the website it crashes. *amn, I just need someone to sign a piece of paper.

canvas is down again and i have an assignment due in like 3 hours. love that for me.